Heard, Helped, Hugged

I had a moment earlier today that caused me to reflect. I was carrying some worries and stress, so I called my partner to vent. He answered the phone and asked how my day had been. I launched into a monologue of all the things that were on my mind. When I finished, he started telling me all the things I was doing right, all the ways that he had noticed me working hard and getting things done. I felt… annoyed.

I felt disregarded and rushed through my emotions. I felt frustration rising up and I asked him if I could call him later. I hung up the phone and started to reflect on why I was feeling the way I was. Despite all my training and experience, sometimes I have to turn the tables on myself. I pondered for a while and finally asked myself a common question I use in the therapy room: What do you need right now?

What I needed was to feel heard. My partner wanted to help. He hadn’t done anything wrong, but he had misunderstood my need in that moment. This is common in many types of relationships (try it with your teenager!). We often want to fix whatever is causing the person distress. We want to help them! The thing is, going into fix-it mode and trying to help can sometimes leave the other person feeling invalidated and like you didn’t truly hear what they were saying. A simple tool I encourage couples to use is this question:

“Do you need to be heard, helped, or hugged right now?”

• Heard → Sometimes we just want space to vent and feel understood without advice or problem-solving.

• Helped → Other times, we’re looking for practical solutions or support to move forward.

• Hugged → For times when connection is what matters most.

This quick check-in removes the guesswork, reduces frustration, and helps partners meet each other’s needs more effectively. It’s a small shift, but it can make a big difference in helping people feel supported and connected.

Next time someone you care about shares something with you, try asking: Heard, helped, or hugged?

- Megan